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That’s up there with “Cover of Van Halen’s Eruption” when they still haven’t learned how to properly hold the guitar pick yet

Do-it-youself repairs (along with other how-to’s) also fall into this. Basically, if within the first three minutes they say “this is my first time” or it is obvious they don’t know what they’re doing, you’ve been conned. It is not a “how-to” video, it’s a “some guy just calling it a how-to video and pretending to know what they’re doing and passing it off as credible advice on YouTube” video. Save yourself the time and find a new one. Remember, YouTube is like Wikipedia except for any idiot with a video camera.

You guys that put game “walkthrough” videos on YouTube, if this is clearly the first time you’ve played and you have no idea what you’re doing, then it is not, technically and/or at all, a walkthrough. You should instead label your videos, for clarity, “Playing [ThisGame] like an idiot for half an hour”.

Hey, you. You’re awesome.

…or, I don’t know, maybe grab some of those paper towels right there and clean it up yourself, lazy slob.


One thing I’ve come to learn about our so called relationships over the internet is that they are fleeting. I think many of us hope that they mean something to us. Sometimes they do. But most of the time, they don’t. Those people that you once thought you had some kind of bond with, don’t seem to respond to you anymore. Some of them, you have meet them in real life. You have shaken their hand. You’ve had a drink with them. And they don’t even so much as heart your posts anymore. Why? Is it because you’ve been gone from their little social media world for so long?

Maybe. I suppose this little world of ours requires a constant presence. None of us aware that we all have some life to live. We all have to be some place that requires our attention beyond making some stupid post to Tumblr, or Facebook, or Twitter, or where ever the hell you decide to expose yourself to the outside world.

It all seems to be a fleeting moment. Those people you once thought you bonded with are now gone. Moved on to another form of this social space we have engrained ourselves into. Some just no longer acknowledging your existence. Those that you have been with for years. Just passing you by. Why?

Maybe they have just moved on from your day to day boring ass life. Maybe they have found other interests that are far from your own. Maybe they are only following you at this point to be kind. Or to get the follow back for their own personal ego. Or perhaps they really are too busy during the day to show you that they recognize your life and what you are up to. I can admit that I am likely all of these.

But I try. I really do try to let all of you know that I do care about your lives. Even if you do post whatever gross meal you’re having at whatever gross place. Or those photos of your kids that no one in the real world really wants to see. I still try to show you that I care. I don’t know. I guess I’m just reflecting on the relationships I used to have. I watch many pass by my timeline and I’m just reminded that our online friendship, or whatever you want to call it, meant more to me than you.

And that’s okay. I know that we all have a life to live, and we are all just posting the thoughts and instances we are having in that life we live. But there is a reason that we are all doing it here. To share it with each other. We have to make the small effort to show each other that we care about a life other than our own. I’m sorry if I haven’t shown all of you enough. My online friends. I really do care. And I try each and every day to show you that your existence means more to someone other than yourself. Online relationships are fleeting. Because it’s easy. Unless we make an effort to make them something different. I’m going to stop talking now.

I’m completely over my cold now, but, it would just be a shame to let all this NyQuil go bad. I mean, kids in Africa, right?

I’m in training for new customer tracking software we are using. I have it all day today and all day tomorrow. It’s so super fucking fun, please kill me.

So far in this training I have learned that I have not had enough sleep or caffeine for this, and that our presenter has a nervous tic.

What you see in this photo is the number of times he has said “umm” and “uh” since I started counting around 9:30 this morning. (It continues on the back.) So far the tally is “umm” 364 times and “uh” 221 times. This only includes the ones I caught and ones that I didn’t miss while pretending to follow along.

I’ll have to open my notebook to keep up from here on out. I’ll provide a complete tally Tuesday when training is over.

If you’d like to take a guess at what the final scores will be, leave your guesses in my inbox and I’ll post the winners (highest without going over in both umms and uhs) along with it. The winners will receive the prize of saying they won nothing in something completely meaningless but, hey, you’re still a winner.

The whole Anaylist team is on the other side of my wall squacking and laughing and carrying on and oh my god shut the fuck up. I hate sitting a cubicle wall apart from these loud ass people. They sound like a pack of fucking teenage hyenas on a sugar high. Seriously, none of you are funny. There is no way in all eternity that any of you said anything THAT funny. Oh really? Blah blah blah some lame stupid thing that happened in a meeting? Queue Know-it-all Barbie and her ear-piercing laugh that sounds fake as all hell. That’s fucking hilarious. Laugh super loud. Not like this is an office where people work. Shut the fuck up. Blah blah blah I’m done working so everyone else must be so I’ll just talk super loud. I’m Useless Fuck, the guy everyone pretends to like so it’s cool. No one needs to concentrate. I never do because I don’t do shit around here. More loud talking so I get more attention! Shut the fuck up. Yeah, blah blah blah, Annoy-a-tron must talk even louder! I have nothing useful to say! Pay attention to me! Isn’t everyone working here a 20-something that still talks and acts like a fucking teenager? Well, who cares I guess. More loud talking! Another lame thing that isn’t funny! Echoing laughter through the office! More annoying stupid shit! Barbie’s loud fake-ass laugh! Two words! More laughter! Dumb shit! Shut the fuck up!

Sometimes, you can feel like there is no one at your office like you or could possibly understand you. Sometimes, you find one who, at times, is more irriated by all the political bullshit and useless brats in the office than you so you both stand outside for at least a half hour raging about all of it until you both feel a little better. That’s when you know you’ve found your work accomplice.

Got the notice

I now have exactly two weeks left to think of a new sarcastic password that will properly encompass what my mood at work will be for the following sixty days.

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