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The whole Anaylist team is on the other side of my wall squacking and laughing and carrying on and oh my god shut the fuck up. I hate sitting a cubicle wall apart from these loud ass people. They sound like a pack of fucking teenage hyenas on a sugar high. Seriously, none of you are funny. There is no way in all eternity that any of you said anything THAT funny. Oh really? Blah blah blah some lame stupid thing that happened in a meeting? Queue Know-it-all Barbie and her ear-piercing laugh that sounds fake as all hell. That’s fucking hilarious. Laugh super loud. Not like this is an office where people work. Shut the fuck up. Blah blah blah I’m done working so everyone else must be so I’ll just talk super loud. I’m Useless Fuck, the guy everyone pretends to like so it’s cool. No one needs to concentrate. I never do because I don’t do shit around here. More loud talking so I get more attention! Shut the fuck up. Yeah, blah blah blah, Annoy-a-tron must talk even louder! I have nothing useful to say! Pay attention to me! Isn’t everyone working here a 20-something that still talks and acts like a fucking teenager? Well, who cares I guess. More loud talking! Another lame thing that isn’t funny! Echoing laughter through the office! More annoying stupid shit! Barbie’s loud fake-ass laugh! Two words! More laughter! Dumb shit! Shut the fuck up!

Sometimes, you can feel like there is no one at your office like you or could possibly understand you. Sometimes, you find one who, at times, is more irriated by all the political bullshit and useless brats in the office than you so you both stand outside for at least a half hour raging about all of it until you both feel a little better. That’s when you know you’ve found your work accomplice.

Got the notice

I now have exactly two weeks left to think of a new sarcastic password that will properly encompass what my mood at work will be for the following sixty days.

Do you like going to the bathroom but hate all that dick bacteria on your hands afterward? Well look no further! I have found the super ultimate miracle cure you’ve been looking. Plain tap water.

That’s right! All you need is regular tap water! Washing your hands with soap takes up way too much fucking time, almost five seconds. That’s like two billion hours a year! Ain’t nobody got time that. You’re too fucking busy checking Facebook and playing Candy Crush at your desk.

Well now you don’t have to. Just splash a half second worth of tap water on your hands and you’re good to go. And unlike soap that only kills 99.9% of bacteria, regular old tap water apparently kills over 1,000% of all bacteria known to man!

But don’t take my word for it, just ask every fucking guy in my office!

You don’t ever have to worry about dick bacteria again. Splash a few drops of tap water on your hands and you’re ready to go touch things that other people have to touch as well. It’s probably 100% safe and not at all rude and disgusting.

Plus, tap water is 100% gluten free!

So what are you waiting for?! It’s certainly not the five seconds it takes to use soap and a proper handwash. You’re too fucking busy apparently. Use only tap water today!

*Ask your doctor if using only tap water is right for you. (He’ll probably say no because your germs are unsanitary and disgusting).

Going through my drafts folder and noticing some of these have to be over two years old. Also noticing why some of them never made it out of my drafts folder.

You don’t have to say spoiler alert if I just told you I’m not going to see it with an obvious look of disinterest on my face.

We use a project management service to help keep track of progress, time and other such things for each of our projects. Part of that service allows for profiles where you can upload your own profile photo as well as add notes about yourself and other miscellaneous information. I was poking around with it because I was bored and found out that I can edit anyone’s profile with whatever I want. Profile pic included. This little oversight on the part of the makers of this service is going to be a bit too much fun.

Sure, I mean why wouldn’t you bring something into a public restroom that you’re going to put your mouth on? That doesn’t at all seem unhygienic and/or disgusting. Going a whole five minutes without hydrating is very serious. And such a kind gesture to leave it here for the next guy to enjoy.

Got a new security badge cord extendo thingies whatever they’re called because my old one was starting to irritate me. I got one that I thought would be more durable than the cheap one issued to me by the company. The problem is, I could only find one that has a carabiner type clip, as opposed to the other that had a back clip I could just slide over my belt. So this one I have to clip to one of my belt loops.

I first tried wearing it on the front right loop but my badge would hang near my crotch, so every time I reached for it, I felt that it would look like I was adjusting myself every time I went to buzz in. Certainly don’t want to be “that” guy who is constantly groping his crotch. I figured wearing on the right side would be better.

I was wrong. Clipped to my side would make it swing when I walked. So, after a couple of times of it hitting my hand causing me to stop in a panic thinking something had fallen out of my pocket, it’s on my crotch again. This has been a super boring post.

Muffin. Great. The girl in the deli downstairs is now calling me Muffin. I guess it could be an endearing nickname if it wasn’t for the fact that the reason she’s calling me that is because I have bought far too many muffins far too many mornings to shove in my fat face with my coffee at my desk. Great.

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